A letter to my future husband

Dear future husband,

Where are you?! Seriously you can stop hiding and come out, I'm ready to meet you. 


I've been ready for a while if you want me to be honest.

I am tired of seeing happy couples around me. I want to be a happy couple.

I am tired of being lonely.

I am tired of being asking me if I have a boyfriend and always answering not yet.

I can't wait to meet you someday, hopefully soon. 

I love that I'm blogging, and documenting my life. I'm ready to document us.


I'm ready to introduce to the blog world.

I'm ready to share our story. 

I am ready to date you.

To share life with you.

Husband: I am ready to love you. I am ready, please hurry.

I can't wait to go on dates with you.

To get all dolled up or even take off my make-up and watch tv with you.

I can't wait for you to meet my family. Warning you now: they will bug you about us dating but it's all in love and fun.

I can't wait to meet yours. I can't wait to bake cookies and bring them to your mom when we first meet.

I can't wait to fall in love with you.

To kiss you.

I can't wait to go to church with you.

To pray with you and for you.

I can't wait to celebrate anniversaries with you.

I can't wait to go running with you. Hopefully you run. 


I can't wait to be engaged. To plan our wedding.

To have cute babies with you.

I can't wait to meet you, husband.

~

Husband: How about this? Let's make a deal. This time next year I want you to be taking me out for a romantic valentines dinner. I'll pay for dessert. Sound good? Deal.

Grateful Monday's-edition 2.

Where did this week go?! Seriously though? It flew by.

I loved writing in my book of blessings this week. So many things to write down and share!

Monday Jan 9th: First day back at school. Loved seeing old friends, still meeting new ones and a fresh start.
Tuesday Jan 10th: Random cheques from the government
Wednesday Jan 11th: A textbook costing only $56!
Thursday Jan 12th: knowing tomorrow is friday!
Friday Jan 13th: Safe travels/arrivals to the 20's weekend re-treat
Saturday Jan 14th: Amazing lessons from the speaker this weekend.*
Sunday Jan 15th: a weekend away from twitter/facebook.*

hppy

I had an amazing weekend at Waterloo's annual 20's weekend re-treat. Every once a while I need those weekends of endless fun, being in the word and strenghing my faith. The speaker was actually my friends BIL and he did an amazing job. The weekend theme was from the book of Luke, might be my favourite book. It was so nice to see old friends, spending time with them all. The most exciting part? Being asked to come back to counsel at camp again this July. Of course I said YES!!!

Since I was super super busy this weekend, I had hardly no time, except for late at night or right after my shower, to check/update twitter and facebook. I was so busy that I only tweeted once! I didn't know how much I needed it the weekend away from the web. It's so easy to tap on the twitter app and away I go, updating and tweeting.

Soaking up Greg's lessons and not being so attached to twitter are amazing blessings. I highly reccommend taking a day away from the facebook "liking" and just be present in your own life. Try it.

Happy Monday, Friends.

Grateful

I finally jumped on bandwagon and  bought One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp that many bloggers have and are reading. I honestly don't know why I just got the book now. This book is hands down the best book I've read in a long time. Words can not express how good it is.

In the book, Ann talks about how she wrote down 1000 blessings or things she was grateful for. Things ranging from the EMS (911) call when her son was badly to fresh laundry.

She wanted to find Amazing Grace wherever and whenever she could. Things to be happy about, things to praise God about. That's what I am longing for.

For me, it's so easy to find things to complain about. And since I have twitter, with a click (or a tap on the iphone) I can send out a negative message about how the kitchen is a mess and yet the kitchen cleaner-uppers are watching tv.

And that's a pet peeve of mine, sending out negative messages because our negative attitudes affect others. It's a horrible cycle.

Do I still get ticked at stuff? Heck to the yes. But I want to look for the good in this world.
I was reading one Sunday afternoon and it dawned on me to start doing the same as Ann. To keep a journal of things I am thankful for and blessings God passes down. I decided right there and then that every night before bed I would write down at least one thing I was thankful for during that day. So for the next year, the next 366 days I will find one thing to be thankful and happy about. It could range from silly stuff to serious stuff, so get ready.

And because I love blogging and y'all, I thought every Monday I would share my list from the past week.
Here we go.

Sunday Jan 1: Seeing a young teen being Baptized at church.
Monday Jan 2: Strong legs to carry me when I run
Tuesday Jan 3: parents who encourage me
Wednesday Jan 4: my job, bathing suits that are much looser on me
Thursday Jan 5: cat snuggles
Friday Jan 6: warm days for good runs
Saturday Jan 7: finding out that a blog who I "unfollowed" is pregnant after years of infidelity and a failed adoption. God is good.
Sunday Jan 8: being 0.6 away from losing 10% of my weight!

He DOES answer prayers!

I had a breakdown last night. I knew it was coming, you know that feeling? Ya, I got it.

I have two weeks left of school, including exams and its crunch time. Next week I have a paper and 3....THREE tests! Two are which are the end of semester term tests, so they cover at least 7 chapters. Death I tell ya, it is death.

I feel like I handle stress well but not in this case.

So yesterday I got home at noon from class and started on my project that was due tomorrow (which is today). I knew I would have to work on it after work which was fine. I had my coffee at hand so I was ready.

As I was working I thought about how I was telling my dad on wednesday that all I want is to sit down on the couch with a cup of tea and read my glamour magazine. I just want to relax. I could do that but what's more important? Magazines or getting good grades so I can get into teacher's college so I can teach? My point.

Now I had 2 hours to finish the first part of the assignment, get to work, make my dinner for work and pack my running gear to run on my break.

At that point I lost it.

Totally broke down in tears sobbing and praying my heart out. I've never had that praying and crying thing happen at the same time. It's either one of the other but not both at the same time. I told God that I know I can get through this next couple of weeks but I need him to take away my stress and walk beside me. After my amen I got a cold drink of water, took a few deep breaths and started writing again.

Here is the good part.

About 40 minutes later my boss calls my house phone telling me that a pipe burst in the pool and he was told to shut down the programs tonight! ::insert choir singing Hallelujah here::

I told my boss "A" thank you because I have so much to do tonight and could use the night off. I did think of taking the night off but I already took tuesday and next thursday off. He laughed but I meant it.

I knew while talking to my boss that  I shouldn't just be thanking "A" but God.

I truly believe that was an act of his power. See? He does answers prayers.

Have a wonderful day, friends :) i love you all. 

Thankful Tuesday

Lately I haven't been myself. Maybe it's the stress of school and finding out that 24 hours is not enough time to get things done but I'm very moody and my poor parents are the ones who are paying for it.
I need to do this post to remind myself that everything will be okay in the end.

~I am thankful for my family who loves me and tells me daily to keep pushing through the exam period and tell me that I will make a great teacher.

~I am thankful for friends. Not just Karen but my new friends I have made at school. The days that I don't want to go to class, I remember the fun times we have before, during and after class and  this makes me go. Of course I feel used when they text me the night before our class to see what readings we have to do and when the next test is but I am thankful that they know that they can come to me for answers and a listening ear.

~I am thankful for Jesus. Every second Saturday is Ladies Class at my church and this past Saturday my church decided to hold a Ladies Retreat day and invite the 3 local churches (20 minutes away or less) to come. It was an all day event and I needed it. I have realized that going to church weekly isn't enough for my faith and I need to go to the re-treats held by the churches in Southern Ontario more often.

~I am thankful that I have 2 weeks left of class until exams!

~I am thankful that yesterday I was able to pick up my younger cousins from school. I hardly get to watch them at lunch/ after school because I don't go to class from 9-3pm now. Last night there was a scary family emergency on my aunts side of family that she needed to deal with so I spent about 2 hours with the kiddo's. I loved it :)

~I am thankful for a job. Enough though I complain about my co-workers, I know come January I might not have a job as the Mayor will be locking us out! That is a totally different post. So right now I am thankful for one!

~I am thankful for my high school friends who I still talk to a few times a week, my one friend Meghan and I are have plans to hang out lots this Christmas break I love her :) . I let go of a few friendships this spring that were really toxic and haven't looked back. I still get texts from the girls and I'll reply but  I won't be treated like dirt anymore.

LASTLY

~ I am thankful for blog friends. I love hearing about the everyday stories and reading the "I'm pregnant posts" and following along as some plan their weddings! I hope to meet most (or all!!!!) one day :)

Cutest wedding.

I've been told a billion times I look like my momma here.

The beautiful Bride and the Groom

On Saturday, Karen and I were invited to Immanuel's and Jocelyn's wedding. We all go to church together. Im (pronuced: em) and Jocelyn have both been such role models in my Christian walk. Loved that I got to celebrate with them!

It was so nice to get all dolled up and go shopping for new things to wear!

The second last photo is the gift I gave the couple. Its from this store from etsy. It's a perfect gift for a couple who just bought their first house together, it would look great over the mantel. *My thoughts, wasn't paid to say the nice words*

Because it was a Filipino wedding (aka: lots and lots of family) we weren't invited to the reception after. That was perfectly okay, we understood and at least we got to witness Im cry when he saw Jocelyn walk down the aisle :) That my friends is the best moment of a wedding.

happy monday, friends!

Trust

My good friend Carey has started a month long bible study of the Proverbs 31 wife. Go check her out, even if you aren't married, a church-goer or a mother.

                                        Today's verse is from Proverbs 31:11.
11: Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. (The Message)


While I am not a wife nor a mother, I a lot struggle with trust. I have the hardest time trusting God. I know God has plans for me, as he has my life time-line laid out in front of him but? Sometimes I want to know what those plans are. For instances, I would love to know if I will ever fall madly in love and get married and of course make beautiful babies. God has said that that he doesn't want people to be alone, it's not healthy he has said. I remind myself of that a lot. Even though it calms my fear and puts my trust back in God, sometimes it's not enough. I have to put my trust in God, because worrying about marrying/kids isn't going to get me a husband or children.

I know that when I spend time with God in prayer, study and listening to songs those fears and the lack of trust goes away for a bit. One of the songs that is dear to my heart is by Jeremy Camp called Everlasting God.

Strength will rise
As we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

via

I don't want to that girl who obsesses over who will she marry and when she will have kids. I want to trust our Lord for all things. I want to be a confident child of God.

happy monday, friends.

 

spiritual "high"...hope you're around for a while.

I know I talk a bit about my faith and how important it is to me. Making the step to become a Christian is one of the most specials decisions I've made in my life. Being a Christian in this world, in 2011 is pretty hard with things all around me that are tempting and how many people are quick to jump down my throat, or let me know when I've not done the "christian thing"...but so re-warding.

Being a Christian is hard because,  for me, I'm developing a relationship with someone (God) who I can't see. It's like having a bff who you can't see at all and if you listen very closely you'll hear her speak to you. That's where I struggle.

I might come across as someone who has a great relationship with God but the truth is, I go through long periods of time (a couple of weeks, once or twice a year) where my relationship is just "meh" to me. Yes, I still go to church, and believe in God ::during these hard times, I have never stopped believing in god or started to wonder if it all exists::

I remember back in 2006, when I was thinking of being baptised, I was encouraged to talk to the older teens at camp about their Christian faith and ask if they could pray for me. Basically the whole camp knew that I was going to do so I had loads of people saying how proud they were and such. I remember this guy giving me a big hug and saying "sarah, you're going to have such a spiritual high."

Before that I had never heard that phrase and after he explained what it meant, all I could think was "that is so freaking cool!

He was right. For months after that day, I had a spiritual high. Every time I prayed, sang songs, went to church. It was like I was addicted to God and everything God related.

I would say just after Christmas time, the "high" went away. Going to church was boring, it was hard to get out of bed sunday morning. To sum it up, my heart wasn't in it.

Luckily, the "high" came back in april when I went to the youth rally and then at camp in august. This is how its been for a few years. Spiritual high then ::boom:: dropped.

Back in Febuary of this year, the "high" went away. I was angry at God for a reason (which I'm sure if you look back on my posts you'll know what it is) and worship wasn't doing anything for me. I left church each week not feeling "charged" up for the week and uplifted.

Instead of lasting a few weeks, it lasted till may. Then I went out west, there was my aunt, the loving Christian and bible-thumping uncle and they lifted me up that two weeks, it was great. I made sure the high lasted longer and before you knew it, it was camp time, camp was amaizing and good for my relationship with God.

Lately, I've been praying a lot on my own, listening to my favourite worship music and reading the bible.

I'm happy to say that once again my "high" is back!

I hope it stays around for a very long time.

happy sunday!

5 years a go today...

5 years a go today I made the best decision of my life.

5 years a go today my life changed for the better

5 years a go today I accepted that Jesus came, lived and died on this earth for our sins.

5 years a go today I was baptised.


happy 5th birthday to me!
happy friday :)

I am...

I am a Christian

When I say.."I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting "I'm clean living"

I'm whispering "I was lost"

Now I'm found and forgiven

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride

I'm confessing that I stumble

and need Christ to be my guide

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong

I'm professing that I am weak

When I say..." I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of my success

I'm admitting that I failed

and need God to clean my mess

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect 

My flaws are far too visible

But God believes I am worth it

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain 

I have my share of heartaches

So I call upon his name

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not holer than thou

I'm just a simple sinner

Who received God's good grace, somehow.

-itsyourlord.tumblr.com

happy sunday. 

that week went fast!

I'm back! And I have to tell you, camp was awesome! As I said, week 3 was for kids ages 11-13. The kids were really awesome this week, the people in charge of running activities said that this was one of the best year for participation. Usually we have a bunch of kids who don't want to be active and would prefer to sit in the grass and watch.

It was so good to hang with friends who live all over Ontario, who came out this week as bible teachers, counselors, cooks and crafts. Us staff weren't allowed to have "staff night out" (we put the kids to bed and hang out in the dining hall till the late) but Friday night we went out and had some fun with the campers. Let's just say a few of the staff did some fun pranks! Shaving cream may or may not have been used...

Karen and I had a blast together. She was in cabin love and I was in faith. For the record: faith is the girls cabin that isn't joined to another one so it got scary at night, after hearing ghost stories!

the signs on the cabins

My cabin

It was an exhausting week. Waking up and 7am, going to bed at 11 (yes, its 8 hours but its non-stop all day) but it was worth it. Sharing God's love with kids who come from broken homes is the best feeling.

Not only was it a great week for the campers for their walk with God but for me too. All week I had to be an example of what a "Christian" does/doesn't do, which made me more accountable. Singing praises to God all week was what my soul needed.

I am so thankful Karen came out this week. We love week 3 :) I want to move over to teen week next year (ages 14-19) but I get the feeling she wants to stay at week 3. We still have months to talk about it.

camp omagh what what!

The best thing about working at camp is the shirts. Staff get a free shirt that we have to wear the first day and last day (to help parents.) Last year we had a nice baby blue but the year before? Bright neon orange. They were so bright that no one wanted to wear it!

My girls were great! I've never had such a good group of girls before! The other counsellors were a little jealous when I told them that the girls always went to bed right away and never stayed up. They were very competitive for the "lights out first." Two bible teachers sit outside the boys and girls cabins and when the bell rings that signals time for bed, whatever cabins' lights are out first and quiet wins and gets lots of points.

After campfire I would stay outside and talk with some of the kids/staff and when I walked back to my cabin the girls were in bed ready for me to shut off their light! It wasn't even time for bed :)

Everyone year I get a picture of my cabin. Its nice to have to memories.

Faith!

Really really good girls.
They were close too. I had two sisters, two pairs of BFF's. The girl far right is from Korea. There were four other girls (all different cabins) who moved to Canada, came to camp and spoke no word of English. It was a challenge the first few days but slowly Jasmine learned her way around camp.

I miss camp very much. I have loved spending my summers there. Can't wait till next year and hopefully my girls (if they aren't 14) can come back!

happy monday

update/news...whatever you want to call it :)

Good things come to those who wait.

More and more that little saying that I've heard all my life is speaking loud and clear.

Fall 2011 I was supposed to go to Ryerson University where I live,  for Child and Youth Care.

Today, that all changed. Well some of it changed. 

I'm still going to Ryerson but not for Child and Youth Care.  I got into my first choice on sunday, Early Childhood Education! I accepted right away and now that's the program I'm in!

I've always planned on being an elementary teacher so this 4 year program is perfect! The Child and Youth Care would have gotten me into teachers college but now my program is tailored to those who want to, no, plan to teach kindergarden- 6th grade. 

A little over a year a go when I applied to university's this ECE program was still my top choice but I didn't get in. Somewhere a long the line my marks were lost and weren't given in time to Ryerson. This and along with other situations was why I took off the year. 

I waited, around 2 years to get into this program, and it's paid off! 

I'm still in disbelief as I let it sink in.  

God is good! 

happy monday friends! 

While I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident 
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race 
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I really don't want to get into it here right this moment but I've been having huge pity parties lately. I'm finding this song really helpful while I'm waiting. As humans we naturally want things to go our way and we for sure don't want to wait. I know that those "things" I'm talking about will happen but it's the waiting that is killing me. 

happy tuesday

Easter

Yesterday was a good great day.

Every year I look forward to Good Friday.

Every year on GF all the Churches of Christ meet in a HUGE high school in Mississauga, to worship, listen and be social!

It's an all day affair. Starting at 9 and ending at 3. This year we had the opportunity to hear from three speakers. There was Earl Lavender who is the Director of Missions at Lipscomb University in Nashville. He brought along Jackie Halstead who is the an Associate Professor there too. The last speaker was Jonathon Starker who is a missionary from Japan and is a CofC member too. The lessons this year were awesome, powerful and most important encouraging. I missed the ladies lesson that Jackie lead because the BFF Karen and I were teaching too. I head that is was really enjoyable.

While the lessons are going on for the adults there are classes for children too (it would be horrible having 100+ kids crying, talking during the adult lessons). From 9m-18 years old. The ages are split up so that all young people have lessons that reflect what is going on in their life. This year Karen and I taught the 3 and 4 year olds. We had three really cute kids for an hour. It went great! It helped that we gave out Jelly Beans at the end and allowed them to snack on them before class started.

As soon as I got home, the parents were waiting so that we could go to the aunts for Easter dinner. We usually have dinner on Sunday but this year she was busy then. Friday was the only day. I was excited because I could have weighed in at ww saturday (today) and have dinner Sunday which left me all week to burn off the calories. I had less than 12 hours to burn off dinner this time. Needless to say I didn't burn them off and gained 2 pounds. Don't worry I'll lose them this week!

Dinner was great as always. The brother and fiance couldn't come (long story) so that got me bummed out but the cousins came which was fun. I didn't get any pictures from yesterday but I can say it was a good day!

I hope everyone had a wonderful time with family and friends!

Now I'm resting up!

happy saturday!

Love at Last Sight

A little over a month a go, Lyryn wrote a blog post about a book that she was reading. That book was Love at Last Sight by Kerry and Chris Shook. LALS (love at last sight) is a one month relationship plan that will improve your most important bonds.

 The goal of the LALS is to deepen your most meaningful relationships, get them so deep that when your eyes met for the last time on earth, your relationship will be closer and deeper than ever before.

On day one, I was asked (err...not me but anyone who read the book) to pick three people in my life who I wanted to focus on. Focus on three people in my life that I wanted to have a better more deep relationship.

 I chose my BFF Karen (for the record: we are fine! But as BFF's we can always grow deeper)

Then my mom. I'm not getting into it here but my mom and I aren't the closet. We have long periods where we get along great and then bam we don't. I've never had that "being BFF's with my mom." Yes I love her but we have stuff to work on. so much for not getting into it here! moving on.

I then chose my brother Ryan. My brother is 5 years older than me (for the record: we have the same set of parents...I get asked that a lot. "is he your step/half brother?" Since we are 5 years apart, we never got along when we were younger. He went to uni in West Virginia and was gone for 4.5 years. During the summers we were okay. When he was 22 he moved out with the gf. It was hard to deepen our bro/sis relationship. It still is. It has gotten so much better. We both realized that family is everything, and one day we won't have our parents and it'll just be us.

It's amazing what a month can do. In the past month I've felt my relationships grow deeper. I've learned to give 100% of my attention to each of my three key relationships.So when they are talking with me, I turn and look them in the eye and really listen.  I've learned to let them know that I value and love them. I'm better at saying I love you, thank you, how are you?

There is nothing more lovely than knowing that I'm on my way to having such a deep realtionship with these awesome three people. I say "on my way" because it's something I need to work on everyday.
This book has changed my life. It hasn't just helped my three key relationships but the relationships with people I don't see everyday. It has chanllenged me to view the world and others in it differently and I love that!

If you have a realtionship that is iffy, go buy this book! Seriously it is not a waste. It will change your life, I promise!

:)

Good thoughts.

I just finished day 25 of Love at Last Sight. Today was talking about the art of letting go. Specially letting go of Insecurity.

In my daily walk as a young Christian women, that is my biggest issue :being insecure. I realize now from reading today's chapter that I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me, accept me and I want to do a good job around them. I also care a little to much about what people think about me.

"her outfit is ____"
"she has a few blemishes"
"sarah's face is to fat"
"it wouldn't hurt her to lose ten pounds"

Talk about being insecure. Talk about trying to please everyone!

But you know what? It's impossible to please everyone. Even God can't please everyone. It rains-some are happy because their grass needs to be watered but others are upset because the rain ruined their afternoon plans.

I kept reading farther into what day 25 was about and I came across this paragraph that really spoke to me:

"When I realize how much God loves me, it frees me to let go of what people think about me"

I honestly can't get this saying out of my head. It's what I've needed to hear for a long time. Now I know God loves me, but for some reason I truly feel him loving me. I hear him telling me to let go of my insecurities, giving them over to him and not caring what people think about me anymore.

So, today marks the first day in learning to not care about what people think about me.I'm going to develop the attitude of "this is me-take it or leave it."  It'll be tough but I know with God anything is possible.


happy friday!

Heavy Heart

Here I am at 12:06 am writing this post. This post is something that I've been thinking about writing for a long time (ha past month). It is a topic that I'm very sensitive about. Only my BFF (and now brother and mom know about.) I might come across someone who is full of life, happy and independent but I'm not.

You must be dying to know what I'm hinting about. Well its my love life (or my non-love life)Even though I'm only 18 (19 in march) I worry about my love life.

I'm going to be honest, this fact scares me to write, knowing it's on the world wide web. But I've never had a boyfriend (other than 3 week fling in grade 9) Why should that bother me?! I know girls who say I'm lucky. "You don't have to be careful or answer to someone" But I WANT TO. I want someone. I'm not talking about marriage ( I want to get married, I know many who at this age were planning their wedding, their still happily together) but just someone to hang out with other than my girl friends. Now, don't understand me, I like guys. I have crushes (hate using that word..crushes so grade 3) I flirt. I know what I want. But my problem is when I think the guy knows I like him...I freeze. I back off. I stop flirting. All because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I pull back. I regret this.

Every once and a while (read:that time of the month) when my hormones are going CRAZY, it seems that all I think about is marriage/moving in/kids.

Today was one of those days.

It was my brothers birthday on the 19th (happy 24th Ryan!) so he and his girlfriend D came into the city for dinner. The last weekends my bro has stopped in to visit he has poked some fun at me. (We always do this, its normal) but this time I didn't take it as a joke and had a melt down in the basement. It went like this: enter grandma, "oh hey cutie"

me: aww hi grandma (totally shocked to see her, didn't know she was coming by)

ryan: who else did you think it was? grandma is the only person that's gonna call you cute.

Oh NO he didn't. But he did.

I brushed it off like it was nothing but as I walked down the hall to my room I just felted the water works coming. I excused myself and went downstairs to watch thursdays greys episode (I lied, to ball my eyes out). Never have I felt like that. I knew he meant no harm but when my emotions are playing with me already I couldn't stop them. The worst part was, I was thinking that my bro who loves me a lot, meant that no one would ever want to be with me. Then the negative talk entered my mind. "Because your not good enough, not pretty enough, it would help to lose 10 pounds." ya, um I can be really REALLY mean to myself.

It just seems like everywhere you look, people are in love, holding hands, kissing, getting married. But me. When I see this all.the.freakin.time. Its hard not to think that I'm going to end up as the crazy cat lady.

But I'm wrong.

I know that God has someone for me. He even says that its not good for people to be alone. I have faith in him that he has a great Christian guy waiting to sweep me off my feet. I know he does because I pray for my future boyfriend/husband a few times a week. Its the waiting part that kills me. The unknown part that scares me. I'm a planner, I like to know when stuff is gonna happen. But God doesn't work that way. I have to wait. Wait for my love. Wait for my time. It will come, I know.

~~~When a door closes, another opens~~~

Yup.

I'm done with the high school relationship stuff and ready for the better more serious stuff!

My mom did come down and I told her what had happened, and she explained to Ryan what was going on. He did come down and said sorry. He didn't know it would hurt my feelings. I'm not mad at him, never was, just my feelings were hurt and the negative talk wasn't helping at all.

HAPPY SUNDAY