Sunday, February 20, 2011

Heavy Heart

Here I am at 12:06 am writing this post. This post is something that I've been thinking about writing for a long time (ha past month). It is a topic that I'm very sensitive about. Only my BFF (and now brother and mom know about.) I might come across someone who is full of life, happy and independent but I'm not.

You must be dying to know what I'm hinting about. Well its my love life (or my non-love life)Even though I'm only 18 (19 in march) I worry about my love life.

I'm going to be honest, this fact scares me to write, knowing it's on the world wide web. But I've never had a boyfriend (other than 3 week fling in grade 9) Why should that bother me?! I know girls who say I'm lucky. "You don't have to be careful or answer to someone" But I WANT TO. I want someone. I'm not talking about marriage ( I want to get married, I know many who at this age were planning their wedding, their still happily together) but just someone to hang out with other than my girl friends. Now, don't understand me, I like guys. I have crushes (hate using that word..crushes so grade 3) I flirt. I know what I want. But my problem is when I think the guy knows I like him...I freeze. I back off. I stop flirting. All because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I pull back. I regret this.

Every once and a while (read:that time of the month) when my hormones are going CRAZY, it seems that all I think about is marriage/moving in/kids.

Today was one of those days.

It was my brothers birthday on the 19th (happy 24th Ryan!) so he and his girlfriend D came into the city for dinner. The last weekends my bro has stopped in to visit he has poked some fun at me. (We always do this, its normal) but this time I didn't take it as a joke and had a melt down in the basement. It went like this: enter grandma, "oh hey cutie"
me: aww hi grandma (totally shocked to see her, didn't know she was coming by)
ryan: who else did you think it was? grandma is the only person that's gonna call you cute.

Oh NO he didn't. But he did.

I brushed it off like it was nothing but as I walked down the hall to my room I just felted the water works coming. I excused myself and went downstairs to watch thursdays greys episode (I lied, to ball my eyes out). Never have I felt like that. I knew he meant no harm but when my emotions are playing with me already I couldn't stop them. The worst part was, I was thinking that my bro who loves me a lot, meant that no one would ever want to be with me. Then the negative talk entered my mind. "Because your not good enough, not pretty enough, it would help to lose 10 pounds." ya, um I can be really REALLY mean to myself.

It just seems like everywhere you look, people are in love, holding hands, kissing, getting married. But me. When I see this all.the.freakin.time. Its hard not to think that I'm going to end up as the crazy cat lady.

But I'm wrong.
I know that God has someone for me. He even says that its not good for people to be alone. I have faith in him that he has a great Christian guy waiting to sweep me off my feet. I know he does because I pray for my future boyfriend/husband a few times a week. Its the waiting part that kills me. The unknown part that scares me. I'm a planner, I like to know when stuff is gonna happen. But God doesn't work that way. I have to wait. Wait for my love. Wait for my time. It will come, I know.

~~~When a door closes, another opens~~~

I'm done with the high school relationship stuff and ready for the better more serious stuff!

My mom did come down and I told her what had happened, and she explained to Ryan what was going on. He did come down and said sorry. He didn't know it would hurt my feelings. I'm not mad at him, never was, just my feelings were hurt and the negative talk wasn't helping at all.

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