Friday, January 13, 2012

Far from perfect

One of the reasons I love blogging is because I can show that I'm far from perfect.

I find that it's so easy for bloggers to just post the happy things. Not the deep things. Only the "my life is so good!" stuff. Now I do have to say, I completely understand that bloggers have the right to chose what they post.
So if they choose not to write about something, I get it. 

Yesterday I was a bad friend. Yesterday I let my anger and frustrations get the best of me and I feel terrible.

I have these two friends at school that are the complete opposite of myself and my study habits. My one friend (let's call her Emily) will come to class, and at break time it will come up that we have a test the next day and Emily wouldn't even know! Even though we have a course outline with a weekly schedule.

She was the one that came to our Psych exam in December with no pencil.

Not to mention that everyone will laugh when this happens. It's not funny. I don't think its funny when you are farting and fooling around. It's not funny that you took a persons spot in this program and you are dicking around. I do think of myself as a caring person so this is why it's so hard to watch the girls mess up and not stand up on their own.

My other friend, call her Julia comes to me for everything. Every question, she comes to me.

"what time is our training today?"

"where is our training today?"

"how to do get there?"

"how do I cite ____?"

"who's our faculty advisor?"- in the middle of our training.

Julia has this habit of texting me in the morning as I'm getting ready. This happened on tuesday, she texted me and didn't know where our training was. I totally didn't have time to look up the building name, room number etc because I had 20 minutes till my bus came and my hair needed to be fixed.

So yesterday I couldn't hold it in. The amount of times and the amount of questions were getting out of hand. I was starting to feel like I was Emily and Julia's mom, walking them through school.

Emily and Julia knew something was wrong and kept asking but it's kinda awkward to answer when they're the problem.

After lunch yesterday, Julia and I went to the guidance office to swap classes and such. As I was coming out of the office Julia asked me a simple question in which I lost it.

She asked when she has Sociology 104. The reason I freaked? We aren't in the same class that day. Meaning I don't know her friday class schedule. Why would she think I knew her class times?! Beyond me.

I looked her in the eyes and said, "I don't know your schedule, Julia" and walked away. I was livid. It scares me, how they don't do anything them selves and rely on others.

She caught up to me and continued to ask why I was upset. In which I said, "stress."

Finally I let it out.

She needed to know how I felt. I feel like I take care of her and Emily more than myself. I feel like my own assignments come second as I'm helping them. Which I don't mind, but every 5 minutes means I can't focus on my own essay. When all we talk about is how you haven't started the essays and its due in 3 days just gets to me.

I know some might say, just ignore the texts and calls. But I can't. I guess part of me remembers Karma.  My biggest fear is needing help with something, clarification on a question etc and not having my friends help me out because I have never been there for them in the past.

Julia and I had a good heart to heart. We needed it as I've been holding this in since mid-term..of last semester.

I feel horrible. My anger is my downfall and once again I couldn't control it and once again I bottled it up inside of me.

See? I am far from perfect.

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