Friday, May 10, 2013

The State of my Body

Last year, I took charge of my weight and lost a little over 30 pounds with running and weight watchers. Took me about 5 months because I wanted to look great for my brothers wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. And? I did. When my brother got married (this weekend last year) I felt so amazing, beautiful and I couldn't stop looking at the pictures of me that were took. 

Then summer came, and I started dating Alex. I gained the "honeymoon 15", but thank goodness it wasn't 15, or even close to that. Right now I'm about 6 pounds heavier than when I met Alex. I still worked out but I wouldn't be focused because I knew I would be meeting him and my mind was else where. 

When I started back at school in September I wasn't running as much. School got tougher and I felt that I couldn't go out running for an hour when I had an essay to write. Or when my boyfriend and I were going a date later. Basically, exercising was put on the back burner. Totally my fault.  

Then I ran my 1st half-marathon in October and decided I wanted to beat my time so I started training in mid December and ran a 2:07 Half Marathon in February. That was amazing. Even though I was running, that's all I did. No weights to tone or ab workout either. Granted, some days when I ran 12km or more, that was my workout for the day because I had no energy. But the days during the week where I was running 5k, looking back on that I could have pumped out for bicep curls and bicycle crunches. But I didn't. So my legs were strong and had muscles but everywhere else, was flabby. 

After my half in Feb, I took 2 weeks off to rest my body, and then running became once a week and maybe the max I ran was 5k. Naturally my body changed and I left it. The scale was sssslllooowwwwlllyy going up week by week. I became unhappy with myself, how I mirrors again how I was back looking at women's bodies saying how much I wanted that. The skinny ones that I once was. 

Then I went on vacation last week with my skinny best friend. And every picture I took I had to fight the urge not to delete. Then Karen wanted to take pictures on the beach, when we were in our bathing suits. When I looked at the many she took at me, it took everything I had not to cry on the beach. 

I swear thats not how I look. I never thought my stomach looked like this but pictures don't lie. 

It became really bad when I started wanting to skip meals on vacation and would rather spend time in the gym and not on the beach or pool. I was so unhappy and still am. 

I worked so hard last year and now I feel like my habits are back. I feel like I'm letting myself go and I even have looked at women who are very big and thought "I hope I don't look like that at 50+)

 I so badly want to get back to that place where I have confidence  in how I look. Where I'm in charge of my weight and food. So, my plan of action now is to make meal plans, do some sort of physical activity every day. I've started running again, ran 14k since sunday and weights are my friends. I plan on biking to summer school classes and go to skin class 1x a week. For food: I want to join weight watchers again to lose 10 pounds (6 that I gained since july 2012 and 4 more for "room.") It worked last year, and I know it'll work again. 

I know I'll get back. Back to my "comfort" number on the scale. And the comfort body I once had. Stay tuned. 

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